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bluestrukblonde
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Name: AnIsSa
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 9/20/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: singing, guitar, making FRIENDS!!!!
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/9/2003
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| I'm printing all this ish out and am done with online blogging. Definitely too many creepers in this world... haha But besides that. I've noticed that I am too open with people that I should not be that open with. Even at church, I let lots of ppl know my stuff but I think that I should only let a few close friends that I can trust in. Not everyone...and definitely not creepers. So goodbye xanga. You have served me well...I for sure have done my fair share of venting here. haha WHats even cooler is that you don't talk back... But I am going to resort to the good ole fashioned pen and paper journal. =) It's safer that way.
<3
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| I'm so up and down. I'll have happy moments here and there when I'll forget about all the ish and then WHAM!...back at square one. Currently I am in a happy moment...but I'm dreading the point in which reality sets in. I can't wait until the happiness lasts for more than a day.
Praying, Seeking, Hoping, Learning, Loving, Living
- Anissa
P.S. I had the Letting Go ceremony! It was hard but necessary and I do feel a tad more liberated. =)
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| I was driving home a few days ago. . . tired of life. Tired of being alone. Bitter that I had no one special in my life...Ashamed of the all the ish I've done... And I was praying. I was asking why I didn't have a good man in my life yet, especially when it took a lot of strength to end my last relationship...I guess I was like "Ok God I let go of something so you can bring something better in my life....SO whee the helk is the something better? Why has my ex moved on and seems happy and I am still by myself?"..then my prayers turned to "Actually I don't deserve a thing after all the ish I've done...I'm so ashamed God! How do you love me still? How am I gonna find someone that will love me even after I tell him all the mistakes I've made"....And then this song came on...
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
I was like OH MY GOSH!!! Thank you Lord for putting things in perspective. I started crying in my car when I heard this song. This ordeal definitely goes under one of the many God moments I have had.
It was so great =)
<333
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| I Suck. Last night was a mistake. I feel like shit. Every time I am doing good and finally get some peace about my past mistakes and shitty choices I friken make another mistake. At this point I feel like I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. I deserve all my f'd relationships. Why should I get to have an amazing husband when I mess up like I did last night? I don't. I deserve what I get. Possibly if I can control my stupid tendency to destroy what I'm working towards on a whim...than I might be worthy of a healthy relationship.AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! I am so dumb.
And Possibly I need to set boundaries with certain friends with whom I often go astray. Maybe I shouldn't be around them when they party or go to Hooka. Maybe they only can be my day-time hang out friends. Cuz Honestly, the temptation is too high for me to drink, and drinking leads to poor choices, and hows I feel today. LIKE SHIT.
BUT I'm thankful for my friends that helped me out today in dealing with all this ish. And I'm thankful for God's mercy and love even though i dont deserve any of it. BLAH. Today sux.
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| For the past two weeks Ian(my pastor) has been talking about sex. Last week he talked about the good things about sex. Ian explained that God created us to share that experience with the one you are committed to...and to enjoy doing it ;). So often, Christians demonize sex to be something that is wrong or 'of the world'. This kind of thinking leads to unhappy sex lives of married christians or basically not being able to turn the "on" button on when it comes to their sexuality. This sermon, however good, did not come nearly as close as describing my situation as today's sermon did. Today Ian spoke about the bad things about sex. Our culture has cheapened the precious connection that one shares with their significant other when 'two become one'. We can see this in various magazines, television shows, advertisements, and popular music. Cosmopolitian(which i will admit to having a subscription too) always is encouraging women to gain more sexual experience in order to keep your man. Not to say trying new things is not great but in order to keep someone? Sheeesh... that's pretty sad that our sexual ability counts as a trait now. According to this magazine you should be smart, funny, beautiful, loyal, honest.....and be a gymnist/sex machine in order to 'keep' your man. Wait just a minute....what happened to commitment and love? Where does that fit in? Why does this magazine reduce women as desperate, weak, insecure individuals that will compromise their values in order to keep someone.
Easy to answer this actually, it's because we are.
Throughout most women's lives we were told we weren't good enough by someone. At least that is what I have observed in my own life. When I was a little girl my dad split for 8 years. I thought it was because I was not good enough to keep him in my life. When I was a teenager my step-dad continually chose drugs and alcohol over our family. I thought it was because I was not good enough to keep him around. Then of course there were the people that I got into a relationship with that would show me /tell me over and over again that I was not enough. A lot of people left, some over and over. Just when I thought that they were going to change, that I had met some standard that would allow me to hold on to them in my life...they would move on to someone new. My worth depreciated...with each rejection...and my insecurities multiplied.
Then I grasped onto someone new. All I wanted is for someone to find value in me, and for a while he did. He was charming, made me laugh, was romantic, sweet, and gentle with me...which is what I needed. I was really convinced that this person was the one for me. But then we grew up. (I met him when I was 16...and he was 17) What I mean by that is we both changed...in fact if a 16 year old me met him now I would not recognize the person that he has become...and vice versa I'm sure. He became critical, manipulating, and controling, and I became insecure, weak, and bitter(I'm sure he would add a few more negatives to the list but for the sake of space...) I never felt good enough. For example I have been told that I am selfish, immature, irrisponsible, stupid, and unable to meet his needs. These are only the few things I can remember...I've been trying to block out the worst of our fights. Let me put a disclaimer in that I am not innocent...I am sure he can list a million things that I did wrong...but this is my side of the story, so I am telling it how I felt it. One of our biggest fights and struggles in our relationship was the issue of sex. Which is why this sermon really hit home for me today.
Four months into the relationship, while all was amazing, we had a bit of a sex talk. Basically this entailed me telling him that I did not want to have sex until I got married. I gave him a chance to walk away, sometimes I feel that i might be in less pain now if he did. He obviously stayed with a promise that he would wait for however long...ya da ya da ya da. Well things did not work out this way as you may have guessed. He was patient though...for not having the same mind-set as me. (I was a christian and he couldn't really decide weather or not there was a God) He waited with few complaints for about two years. Then it got bad. What he was getting from me sexually wasn't enough. He wanted to go all the way. I fought him. Hard. I even set him free, which broke my heart...in order for him to have the choice of having sex with someone. When we broke up I was devastated...I think I lost ten pounds and I cried myself to sleep for a at least a week. Regurgitating this by the way makes me disgusted with myself....I mean really how pathetic was I? We fought all the time, most of the sparks had long gone, and the guy was pressuring me to do the one and only thing I forbade him to do. It should have been done right there.
But insecure pathetic me took him back...actually asked him back(he said it was only 'fair' since I was the one who broke up with him) Unfortunately, when he was explaining to me that he was sorry for treating me badly and so on...I took it as that he was finally going to accept that we just weren't going to have sex until we got married. HAH. I was dead wrong. A month later...while I was still in the giddy so happy that we are back together stage...I was ambushed. Basically it was an "You are selfish for not having sex with me. Ive waited for you for 2 and a half years and what have YOU ever done for ME. Having sex will fix our problems. If you do not have sex with me we have to break up" It was kind of like I was watching a movie. You always hear about guys saying this kind of stuff but I had never thought that it would happen to me. I broke. I gave in. I told him that I would. I broke my promise to myself, to my God and my future husband. I compromised myself in order to "keep" a guy. A guy that turned out not even worth keeping.
Having sex did not fix our relationship, it destroyed it. Whatever good that was ripped apart by that decision. I hated myself for giving in, I hated him for making me do it, I hated God for putting me in the situation(like he had any part in it! haha It was my choice to stay) Needless to say, we broke up. It took me seven months to realize that he was not the man for me. Nine months to realize that I was depressed and not in love with him but rather a memory of how he used to be. Nine months to finally say ENOUGH.
Now I am back at church. And I cannot help but feeling an incredible burden of sorrow and regret. Ian described it today as having a magnet attached to my head and the other end to my foot. I can't look him in the eye when he tries to offer words of encouragement. I've told him everything and he tries to break through the lies that have been told to me over and over. He tells me that I am beautiful, I am pure, and God finds me captivating, and wonderful, and worthy...and that someday so will a man. But now all I feel now is shame. All I feel is brokenness. So many girls are in my position...sexually abused, manipulated, taken advantage of, abandoned. I saw that with my own eyes today. Ian asked anyone that needed prayer who felt broken because of the issues that come along with the bad kind of sex to come up for prayer. Me and half of our college group all sat at the altar and wept while Ian prayed over us. Nearly all of the people that went up were women and almost all of them were crying. What does this show us? This is what I am trying to get at.
(I have to finish this later bcuz my friend just got here and im helping her with hw)
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